BETHESDA, MD – (@The Comedy News) – Phillip Bergman, a management associate at consulting firm ConTech, spent thirty minutes today researching and reading articles about improving his squalid time management skills.
“After reading my ninth Buzzfeed article of the day before 10:00 AM, I knew I needed some self-help,” explained Bergman, a 25-year-old graduate of Tufts University. That was 9:30 AM. It would still be another 17 minutes before Bergman remembered that he needed an intervention.
At around 9:47 AM, emails from his supervisors began to speckle his inbox about meeting memos, expense spreadsheets, and Redskins ticket prices on StubHub. At the same time, Bergman sat pensively, attempting to concoct a backhandedly flirtatious birthday Facebook wall post for a girl who Bergman hasn’t seen since kindergarten.
“The first thing I googled was ‘improving time management’. Some no-talent hack had some YouTube videos. One of them was over four minutes long,” Bergman complained. “Fat chance I’ll watch all of that. So I ended up on Yahoo Answers. The suggestions weren’t helpful, but they sure were entertaining.”
Some of the Yahoo Answers to “How to be a better time managre” (sic) included the following:
–Stop g-chatting with spouse or significant other
–Write down your to do list on paper, not a napkin or toilet paper.
–For immediate answers, use a telephone, do not text. For information on how to use a phone, google “how to use a phone”.
By the end of the 30-minute research and reading session, Bergman had visited almost 73 webpages that had mentioned time management. “I feel slightly better,” Bergman admitted with his new life skills.
At 1:00 PM, Bergman was fired for inappropriate use of work time and resources.
Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.