20 Things Nobody Ever Said in Jumbo Slice

delete2Jumbo Slice—a late-night rite of passage for any young rambunctious professional in our Nation’s Capitol out having a good time.

The slices sometimes exceed 20 inches from crust to tip, are covered with grease, and are a delicious end to many evenings in neighborhoods such as Adams Morgan and U Street.

Expensive?  No.  Healthy?  Afraid not.  Fun?  Definitely.  We don’t go to Jumbo Slice for fine dining.  We stumble in because it hits the spot.  We enjoy it because a little cheating on the diet never hurts…right?

So, please enjoy this list of of the Top Twenty Things You Never Hear at Jumbo Slice:

20)  “Pass the napkins, I should wipe-up this grease before I take my time eating it.”

19)  “Great brunch, girls!”

18)  “Cheer up!  You could meet your future wife here.”

17)  “I need to watch my language in this place.”

16)  “Oh cool they just renovated.”

15)  “I went to a place just like Jumbo Slice in Italy.”

14)  “I’m not here for pizza, just wondering if I could use your bathroom.”

13)  “One venti pumpkin-spiced latte, please.”

12)  “This sure beats all that crappy pizza we get in Manhattan.”

11)  “Hey look, Michelle Obama once ate here!”

10)  “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

9)  “Gee, tonight was a success!”

8)  “That’s it?”

7)  “Now, let’s grab dessert at Ben’s Chili Bowl.”

6)  “I know it’s only January 5th, but this is the ONLY time I go to Jumbo Slice in 2014.”

5)  “Let’s bring the kids here next time.”

4)  “Will you marry me?”

3)  “Pardon me, but I think you were ahead of me in line.”

2)  “You can cut the line, I am certain my booty call will text me at exactly 10:00 PM sharp.”

1)  “Certified kosher?!  Yalla!”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.