Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

iphomOn Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones— the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores—with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks.

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend.

At the same time, many Apple stalwarts will be refraining from waiting in line for the smartphone. We surveyed 1,000 people as to weather they will be waiting in line on the new iPhone release day, and here is what some had to say:

“I WILL wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • …it will be a fun reunion for all the friends I made at the iPhone 5 release last year.”
  • “…I’ve been dying to take a fake-sick day.”
  • “…it will be the closest I will ever get to taking a camping trip.”
  • “…a gold iPhone will be the missing piece to the puzzle of losing my virginity by Friday.”
  • “…I have nothing better to do thanks to government furloughs.”
  • “…I have yet to reach my annual Apple spending quota of $1500 per year.”
  • “…sitting outside in the dark of night while playing with my electronics, what can possibly go wrong?”
  • “…I thoroughly enjoy complaining about how tired I am.”
  • “…with a fingerprint-scanner to unlock the thing, I no longer will have to worry about the cops snooping my text messages with my drug dealer.”

“I will NOT wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • “…I will be spending my hard-earned $400 at the strip club, thank you very much.”
  • “…my carphone is still alive and kicking it.”
  • “…there’s a new iPhone coming out?  I bought an iPhone 5 yesterday.  Goddammit.”
  • “…I’m still a bit busy occupying Wall Street.”
  • “…I know I will just leave it in a cab like I did with the last one.”
  • “…I have a job, a life, and self-respect.”
  • “…I will probably lose my place in line when I make a dash to the nearest Starbucks bathroom at sunrise.”
  • “…hold on, I’m texting. Will tell you in uno…………..momento. So… What was the question?”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.