Go Where No Jew Has Ever Gone Before: Up for Grabs…. Jewish Firsts that Have Yet To Happen

10341509_BG1Jews looking to pad their LinkedIn profiles with accomplishments still have a wide field of opportunity to become the first Jew to do something.Here’s a list of ten things you can still be the “first Jew” to do:

  • First Jew to walk on the moon.  (1)
  • First Jew to be President of the University of Notre Dame. (2)
  • First Jew to get stripped of a Grammy.  (3)
  • First Jew to win a gold medal in the equestrian events at the Summer Olympics. (4)
  • First Jew to play bass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (5)
  • First Jew to lose five Super Bowls as head coach.  (6)
  • First Jew to play a villain opposite Mel Gibson in a Lethal Weapon movie.  (7)
  • First Jew to defeat Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.  (8)
  • First Jew to sleep with Pauly Shore.  (9)
  • First Jew to eat 80 matzo balls in 8 minutes.  (10)

FOOTNOTES

(1)  Although a Jew has yet to walk on the Moon, the first Jewish American in Space was Judith Resnick in 1984.
(2)  Didn’t even bother to fact check this one.  Just assuming.
(3)  Still Rob and Fab from Mili Vanilli are the sole proprietors of this infamous title.
(4)  Although Jews have won gold medals in most Olympic events, no member of the tribe has won gold while on horseback.  Swimmer Dara Torres has the most Olympic medals for a Jew:  12.
(5)  The Red Hot Chili Peppers have had two Jewish guitarists:  The late Hillel Slovak and current Guitarist Josh Klinghoffer.
(6)  Coach Marv Levy is the only Jewish head coach to lose four Super Bowls—consecutively—with the Buffalo Bills (1991-1994).
(7)  Guaranteed to keep Mel Gibson out of show business forever.
(8)  Pretty Boy Mayweather is undefeated.
(9)  We are pretty sure he is still a virgin.
(10)  The current record is held by non-Jew Joey Chestnut:  78.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.