UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – (@TheComedyNews) – It is that time of year where the patriotic Americans come out in droves to celebrate their country’s independence from Great Britain in 1776.
And the only thing more Patriotic than watching high-budget patriotic films is making a top ten list about them.
Braveheart (1995) – Although the film does not depict Americans winning independence, it is still a depiction of a group of oppressed rebels kicking some British Royal ass.
Super Size Me (2004)- Big Macs are basically synonymous with America. What can be more patriotic than eating copious amounts of McDonald’s for a month?
Almost Heroes (1998)- A big fat American, Chris Farley, beats the British (and Lewis and Clark) in a race to the Pacific Ocean in 1803. His public relations team is not that good, so Lewis and Clark end up taking all of the credit.
Glory (1989) – America’s favorite truant student grows mutton chops and leads America’s first all-black military regiment against the Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army.
Top Gun (1986) – Unnecessarily glorifying Tom Cruise is pretty damn American.
Armageddon (1998) – When the end of the World is upon us, a team of American deep-sea crude oil drillers led by Bruce Willis will save the day.
Ghostbusters 2 (1989) – The Statue of Liberty takes a stroll through Manhattan, and then destroys the ceiling of a goulish art museum.
Miracle (2004) – Kurt Russell shows the world that a bunch of college boys from Minnesota, North Dakota and Wisconsin can whip the Soviets in their bread, butter, and borscht: ice hockey.
Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776:
10) True Lies (1994) – Arnold Schwarzenegger has to stop Key West from becoming the next Hiroshima.
9) Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008) – The sequel to the greatest road trip film of all time features a Homeland Security agent asking, “Is it freedom o’clock?”
8) The Patriot (2000) – This is the only film on this list that actually depicts the Revolutionary War. Mel Gibson defeats the Redcoats and helps America win Independence. In an alternate ending only on a limited edition DVD, Mel Gibson gets beaten to a bloody pulp by a regiment of his own Jewish soldiers.
7) South Park Movie: Bigger, Longer And Uncut (1999) – America fights Canada over a petty dispute about cartoon profanity. And when you can’t decide on a good villain to unite against, always be sure to default to Saddam Hussein.
6) Saving Private Ryan (1998) – If films could fight a war, Steven Spielberg’s epic World War II film would duke it out with Shakespeare In Love (1998) for the Academy Award for Best Picture…and then lose for some reason.
5) Beerfest (2006) – Benjamin Franklin once said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” This film is the epitome of what it is to be young and careless in America— chugging obnoxious amounts of beer to prove who is the coolest kid in high school.
4) Die Hard I-IV (1988-2007) – Bruce Willis defeats the Germans twice and puts down two rebellions in America. Yippee-ki-yay [Mister Falcon].
3) Independence Day (1996)- Bill Pullman gives the greatest wartime Presidential address since Gettysburg. And the combination of the Fresh Prince’s witty one-liners, the annoying bastard from Jurassic Parks I and II, and Randy Quaid destroying a 9-mile-diameter spaceship dramatizes America’s ability to fend off an alien invasion. In the immortal words of Captain Steven Hillard, “Welcome to Earth!”.
2) National Treasure (2004) / The Rock (1996) / Con Air (1997) – Nicholas Cage is what every American jockstrap bonehead aspires to be: explosive, awesome, and a buried in a slurry of box office cash and rotten tomatoes. These films include fire, car chases, convicts, gratuitous gun usage, and Disney-esque happy endings.
1) Rocky IV (1984) – The perennial underdog, Rocky Balboa, battles Communist Russia’s top boxer—a steroid receptacle named Ivan Drago. While behind enemy lines in the U.S.S.R., Rocky wins the Cold War without dropping one nuclear bomb. Ivan Drago, on the other hand, goes on to serve as the inspiration for Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Hulk Hogan, and other patriotic American heroes and role models.
Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.