“So basically I was called to the cool table at lunch for an emergency meeting,” said Dara Pfeifferberg, an 18-year-old high school senior planning to attend Appalachian State University in the Fall. “I went to go sit down at my usual seat and Shira was sitting there and was all like, ‘no, don’t even hon.'”
At that moment Dara was handed a detailed report chastising her lack of Jewish American Princess tendencies lately.
Dara was handed a formal demotion letter sent in the form of a text message by the Jewish American Princess posse at her high school. The contents are published below:
We have tried to be patient. We have tried to guilt you into keeping up with us. But now we have no choice, we have to expel you from our clique and you must give up your Jewish American Princess certification.
Its (sic) not all that bad tho. You can like, still be a Jewish American Noble. You’ll pull it off well, really.
It’s not that we’re sad to see you go, because we’re not, we’re really just ashamed to call you our friend. No offense.
Here’s why you are no longer a Jewish American Princess (in random order):
- Not giving out monogrammed sweatshirts at your Bat Mitzvah in 2008.
- Driving a pick-up truck.
- Failure to attend mandatory mirror and rumor time.
- Dating a non-Jewish boy who is short, smart, balding, and terrible at sports. What’s the point? Just date Yoni, or Dovid, or Moishe.
- Being overtly selfless and sincere in compliments.
- Failure to memorize Glamour Magazine’s top five brands of heels for the summer months.
- And we also heard you referred to Rebekah Rosenblatt’s outfit as a “bug-eyed sleeping bag in moon shoes wearing pillow case”.
In a related story, a Jewish American Prince, Matthew Strauss was demoted from Jewish American Prince to Jewish American Noble as well, after he was spotted with a Sigma Chi tattoo on his bicep, buying a used car at the listed price, using excessive mayonnaise, and storing his garbagecan not under the kitchen sink, but as part of the decor of his house in Idaho.
Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.