GTJ Satirist Brian F. – 21 People You Meet at a Jewish Singles Happy Hour

jew hhThe Serial J-Daters:
Dressed in their bar/bat mitzvah best.  They haven’t seen your profile before, so they approach you and refuse to walk away until they find something in common so they can turn it into a date.  For example: “Oh so you’re drinking beer?  I like to drink beer, I know a great place where I can take you for a beer.”

The Harem of Girls Who Stand at the Bar in a Circle and Refuse to Mingle:
You know the group of girls who all go out together to meet guys, yet just complain amongst their friends about how they never meet any guys?  Yeah, its because they’re at the bar talking to each other with their arms crossed and their attitude full throttle.  Save the drama for your momma, and mingle with something single.

The Gaggle of Dudes Who Stand by the Bar and Refuse to Mingle:
Sour grapes who are certain that there is no one of quality to hit on at the bar.  After about two hours of this, they end up at an Irish Bar with the dudes they showed up with.

The Matchmaker:
Matchmaker, matchmaker, we just met, but you’re quite intent on setting me up with someone: “Oh my god, I have a friend who would be perfect for you.  He/she is single, and Jewish, and their dad and my dad were roommates at Brandeis!  Small world!  Just Facebook him/her, oh, and just be yourself.”

The Shark:
Doesn’t talk to anyone, just walks in circles and stalks his would-be prey like a balding Jaws in Gap khakis.  Harmless.

The “You Should Come Over To Shabbos” Guy:
World record holder for pushiness.  Just to throw him off, ask him if Shabbos is this Wednesday or next Tuesday.

The State School Booster:
Go team go!  Newsflash pal, being a devoted college football fan is not a major.  And how do you know so many people here tonight?

The Private School Elitist:
It takes four questions to find out where this un-humble snot went to college.
“What was your major?”
“I studied economics.”
“Oh where?
“Boston.”
“What part?”
“Cambridge.”
“Oh really? Which school?”
“Harvard.
“Never heard of it.”

The AEPi Recent Alumnus:
Drinks?  Drinks?  Anyone want a drink?  He is actually more interested in getting drunk than hitting on you tonight, so you’ve been warned.  For an interesting conversation, ask him about the brand of dogfood he had to eat during hell week.  At least he won’t give you a dead-fish handshake.

The AEPhi/SDT/Alphabet Soup Sorority Alumnus:
“Well on MY campus, your sorority is blah blah blah blah fat chicks and coke!”

Join my Kickball/Softball/Bocce Ball Guy:
“I think they’re hitting on me…wait no, they actually are serious about getting me to join their recreational sports team.”

The Jewish Geographer:
All of the matches end in one of three ways: I hate them, I haven’t seen them in 10 years, or endless drivel about some innocuous Bar Mitzvah/summer camp/shiva story.

The Consultant:
They work for Accenture/Booz Allen/Deloitte.  They can’t explain in less than five paragraphs what it is they do by day.  They swear they never go on Facebook because it’s blocked at work, yet post endless pictures from every vacation they won’t shut up about.  And you have got to be kidding.  You’re 22 and you are a consultant?  You are only qualified to audit my deliverables in the beer pong department.

The Hill Rat:
Works for a Senator.  Works for a Representative.  You know this because they mentioned it to you before formally introducing themselves.  To find out whether they’re a Democrat or a Republican, just say “Obama” and see if they scowl or start skipping.

The Intern:
Don’t worry, if they’re in the bar, they’re not under 21.  But they certainly don’t act like it.  They are likely not being compensated at work, so buy ’em a drink.  Consider letting them crash on your futon.

The First-Year-Out-Of-Law School Lawyer:
Ah yes, what would be a Jewish singles event without a nice Jewish lawyer?  Acts as if the two greatest pick-up lines in the world are, “I have so little time these days” and “I hate my job.”

The Offensive New Yorker:
They act as if there is something seriously wrong with you if you are a Jew that did not grow up in Manhattan.  Likely complaining that there is no decent place in Washington, DC to get a perfect bagel and pastrami sandwich.

The West Coast Jew:
If you run out of things to say to them, just mention In-N-Out.  That’ll get them swooning.

Jersey Jew:
Not nearly as awful as MTV would like you to think.

The Just Back from Birthright-ers:
Inside jokes galore.  Be on the look-out for grievances about hiking Masada, Discotheque, Bombas, Schwarma, and trysts with furloughed IDF soldiers.

Your Bashert:
Somewhere in the list above.

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.