BOSTON, MA – (@TheComedyNews) – While on his first JDate in a month, Max Rubinstein smiled across the cocktail table to his date, Rebecca Schumer. It was at this juncture that Max thought that things were going beyond smoothly. He knew was in—she was digging his flattery—-so Max kept buttering her up for what was certain to take this JDate to an intimate end.
“This JDate is going really well—-just keep on smooth-talking and I am in!” Max thought to himself.
Little did Max realize that his comment comparing Rebecca to his ex was the rudest thing he could have done in that moment.
“You’re not as cute as my last girlfriend, but you do look smarter,” Max said while chewing on some of Rebecca’s red velvet cake with his mouth open. “But no offense. I’m starting to like smart-looking girls, anyways,” he continued.
Shocked and floored, Rebecca could only sit with her mouth partially open, eyebrows lowering.
“Oh man, she can’t stop looking into my eyes, you did it Maxy!” Max thought to himself.
Max wanted to keep his perceived momentum going, so he followed up his “flattery” with back-to-back 20-minute stories about himself. First, a smug tale about when he turned 13, his parents voted him their favorite child (out of four total). This was followed by an iPhone slideshow of Max’s beloved cat, Matzah, and then a profane diatribe about how Nixon should have defeated JFK in the 1960 election.
The waiter for the pair told reporters that throughout the evening, Max used five of the ‘seven words you can’t say on television‘.
After about 90 excruciating minutes, the check arrived. At that point Max thought, “Alright, fourth quarter, you’re Tom Brady, better pull out the A-Material, son!” Out loud, this translated into Max saying, “so Rebecca, tell me about yourself.”
Not wanting to indulge, Rebecca replied, “I’m getting a text message from a friend. She’s, umm, having a bit of a crisis. I really should go now. She’s my best friend from college.”
Wanting to turn up some more cute flirting, Max snapped, “you went to college?”
As the JDate parted ways, Rebecca conceded an awkward side-hug with Max. Max then looked into Rebecca’s eyes one last time, flashed a sideways peace-sign and said, “I’ll be in touch. Peace sugar!”
Upon arriving home, Rebecca deactivated her JDate account and changed Max’s name in her iPhone to “Don’t Answer #7″.
Don’t want your Jdate to end this way? Check out GTJ’s dating columnist Erika E’s Helpful Tips for a Great First Date.
Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.