Happy birthday! Sorry I couldn’t make it to your party – it’s quite the flight, and I only have 15 vacation days a year.
I hope you’re not fretting about being 63 years old. I heard 60 is the new 50… And though you may be aging, everyone in the world still talks about you…
As for your present, I’m really sorry about its delay. But even though it’s late, I think you’ll like it – it’s the not-yet-released 2012 Nice Jewish Guy Calendar. Given your love of sports, I tried looking for a Famous Jewish Athletes of the Month calendar, but I couldn’t find one…
But this letter isn’t about my present or the parties I’m having in your honor, rather, it’s about how much I appreciate all you do for me. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’ve kept the Levant in relative peace; I wish I had a similar friend around Iraq and Iran, or in south Asia around Pakistan and Afghanistan. And I really appreciate the coagulating gauzes that you invented that saved my friend Gabby Gifford’s life, along with the vehicle armor that has kept my friends in Iraq from being blown up by IEDs. And as my twentieth largest trading partner, I know that I can always count on you to support my quirky new business ideas (thanks for your donation to Gather the Jews!)
More important than any of the above though are two things: 1) No matter what happens with Mom and Dad, my life in DC, or my future expansion plans, I know that you’ll always be there for me – you will always be a safe home if I need it. 2) The other reason I love and appreciate you is because you always remind me that I’m connected to something larger, a family that has existed for thousands of years. It’s not every day that I do family stuff, but I read about you almost every day, and you remind me that I’m part of a pretty special family.
I know that we’ll both continue to grow and change, but I know that these two things just named will not change, and for that reason our bond is irrevocable. Most of the family here in the United States feels the same way, so whatever you may hear to the contrary, please know that we continue to appreciate and love you.